1. I’m not enjoying the Office Brian today. Then again, it’s impossible to enjoy the Office Brian… because he’s cunt.
2. Office Brian won two grand in the lottery syndicate. Asked what he’d do with it, he replied, ‘buy gold’.
3. Office Brian likes to give you sweets to be friends with him. He keeps a variety of sweets, in case you don’t like the sweets he’s offering.
4. Office Brian stirs his tea with masculine vigour. Office Brian takes three sugars. Office Brian has a dog with three legs.
5. Office Brian waits until I’m getting changed into my cycling clothes then bursts into the room with feigned surprise & stares at my penis.
6. Office Brian talks about the girl in whispered tones, sexy, then you realise he’s talking about his nan.
7. Office Brian drives past my house and waves, then I wonder how he found where I live, & why he’s driving into a Cul de Sac.
8. Office Brian has one hand permanently in his pocket so I start a rumour that he wears nail varnish and now he’s known as ‘Lady Hand’.
9. Office Brian likes a carvery because of ‘all the meat’. Office Brian has a motorcycle he calls a ‘Kwakker’. Office Brian only has 1 kidney.
10. Office Brian had a cyst up his nose that made him sound like a Dalek but he’s had it removed. Now he just sounds like a cunt.
11. Office Brian thinks there should be a Wetherspoon’s in every village. Office Brian pretends he took part in football violence but he didn’t.
12. Office Brian drives his tired Sierra Cosworth at reckless speeds in built up areas. Office Brian has a sovereign ring that’s a bit loose.
13. Office Brian buys 2 takeaway vindaloos so he can microwave 1 in the office the next day with immense pride. Office Brian has close set eyes.
14. Office Brian reckons he has a deaf mute second cousin who is plastering his kitchen and communicates with an ipad. This is a lie.
15. Office Brian says he takes his girlfriend out on his motorcycle and shags her in fields. Office Brian’s girlfriend is crippled by arthritis.
16. Office Brian has a lot of keys on his keyring. Office Brian likes to wink. Office Brian has a Makro card. Office Brian wears hair gel.
17. Office Brian gives the cleaners a lift home in his car then hints that he’s had sex with them. Office Brian has a gold identity bracelet.
18. Office Brian fritters away his holidays on days off to go to the funerals of people he might once have met at Sea Cadets in 1988.
19. OFFICE BRIAN UPDATE: Office Brian is grunting and licking out a gravy smeared Tupperware like it’s a giant plastic fanny.