Hey Dave. What you doing?
Yeah? I didn’t know you could draw.
There’s a lot you don’t know about me, Luci. I’m a man of many talents.
I have no doubt about that whatsoever. You draw a lot?
Yeah, I suppose. Depends. I’ve got to be in the mood. The muse has to take me, you know?
I think so. Has the muse taken you now?
I wouldn’t go that far. I was in the mood though. Got to be in the mood.
And when you’re in the mood, well, you just have to draw?
Depends what I’m in the mood for, Luci. Lets be very specific about that.
Got you. No point drawing if you’re in the mood for pizza.
So, what are you drawing? It looks kind of… minimal.
It’s a pube.
What, like a pube, as in, a pubic hair?
I draw from life, a lot of the time.
How do you mean?
Well, I’m drawing that pube there.
There. On the table.
Oh yeah. That pube. One of yours?
Yes. I only draw my own pubes. Drawing someone else’s would be weird.
Of course it would.
I don’t just draw pubes, you know. I mean, I’m not a one trick pony.
I didn’t think you were, Dave. A man of many talents, like you said.
Damn right. I draw eyelashes too.
Tell me about that.
I draw eyelashes, nose hair, the occasional eyebrow hair.
That’s quite a portfolio.
Indeedy. It takes a steady hand.
I bet it does.
Yes. Watch. You’ve got to get the line right. A curl, a kink, a crinkle. You see that bit on the end?
Well, that’s a follicle, Luci. That’s where the hair grows from. If you don’t draw that bit right… well… it just looks like a squiggle.
Fascinating, Dave. Quite fascinating.
Yeah. And the pen has to be right too. I’ve muddled through with a Bic, but it’s never right. Pilot do a nice drawing pen, the .01 is my weapon of choice. This is it here.
A nice pen. Let me get this right. You buy a specific pen for drawing pubes?
You go into a shop and buy a pen, for the sole purpose of getting a pube just right?
Okay. Carry on.
Right. Well, the Pilot pen is no good for the undershading.
The undershading. Just like if you don’t get the follicle right, if you mess up the undershading it looks totally wrong. It doesn’t look real. So what I do is I take a propelling pencil… like this one… and what I do is I hold it at an angle and scribble on a bit of paper till you get a nice flat side to the pencil. Then I gently stroke the paper with it, building up layers. That way you down get a stroke, you get a shadow. This gives the pube a shadow. Makes it more three dimensional, lifts it off the page.
So it does. Very realistic. Tell me, Dave, have you ever fancied drawing anything other than your own body hair?
Well, back in the day I drew a lot of cocks. I got very, very good at cocks. Remember that nice big one on the wall of the women’s toilets that caused quite a bit of bother a few years back?
Yeah, I remember.
That was one of mine. One of my better ones, actually. The thing is though, I got a bit bored of cocks. They’re quite crude. You see bad attempts at cocks everywhere. In the dirt on the side of vans, the condensation on mirrors, school textbooks. Cocks are everywhere these days. No, I thought I’d try something different, something a bit more personal.
Perhaps you’re the only pube artist in the world right now, Dave.
Maybe so, Luci. Maybe so.
You’re the go-to pube man.
I reckon that’s me.
The Banksy of Ball Hair…
Alright. Don’t overdo it.
Sorry, Dave. Look, I have to ask. Why pubes? Why take so much effort over drawing a short and curly?
Well, I’ll show you. Give me your time docket from yesterday.
I’d rather not, Dave. I’ve got it all filled in and I’ve got to hand it in to Soulless Boss.
Exactly. Give it here. Right, I’m going to make an exception. Pull out a pube.
Pull out a pube and put it on the docket.
I’m not sure where this is going..
Alright. Okay… there you go. A pube.
Nice one. So we get the line right… there. Make sure I do the follicle. Careful with the undershading…. lovely. Give it a careful smudge to smooth out that shadow… and we’re done! Can you tell which is which?
Credit where credit is due, Dave. I can’t. It’s perfect.
Right. Now go hand it in with the other time dockets.
Okaaay… Right. Done it.
Look. Soulless Boss is coming. Let’s go over there and pretend to be making a brew. Tell me what he’s doing.
Right. He’s sorting out the dockets. Checking the times. Making some notes. He’s got to my docket! He’s dropped it! God, he looks disgusted! Man, he’s so OCD, this will be killing him! He’s sweeping his hand over the docket, trying to get rid of the pube… he’s looking puzzled. Holding it up to the light. Your drawing is really messing with his shit! He can’t get his head round it! He’s putting my docket with the rest, but he looks really disturbed. He’s taking another look! Ha ha!
Shh shh! He’s looking this way. Pour water in the cup. Don’t turn round. Do you see why I draw pubes now, Luci? Do you see how such a little drawing can effect people, touch the individual? What do you think?
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