125. Fucking Amazing Dave


They aren’t all cunts.
Obviously a lot of them are, but not all of them. I mean, even some of the workmates who I like are total cunts; racists, misogynists, badger baiters, thieves. It’s odd that I still think of them as mates, but I never forget that they are also cunts.
That’s just how it is. When you’re stuck with people you try to find common ground or you’d just go mad. If I chose not to speak to a bloke because he’s racist I wouldn’t have spoken to a single workmate in twenty years. They’re all racist, even the management. Especially the management, actually.
So we talk about other things. They don’t snarl about ‘pakis’ to me because they know I’m not racist and I don’t lecture them on civil rights. They avoid the subject and so do I. We keep to safe ground.
The same for smashing animals heads in with a rusty shovel. I love wildlife. I don’t want to hear about how you dug up a badger at two in the morning and had your dogs rip it to pieces. Let’s just talk about classic Eighties films instead, or that new BBQ place in town, or which one of the accounts team you’d most like to fuck.
You know, keep it light.
But, like I say, they aren’t all cunts.
I actively seek out Fucking Amazing Dave. When I see him I make a bee line. With weird shift patterns I never know when we’ll meet, but I like it when we do.
I see Fucking Amazing Dave by the lockers.
“Ey up, Dave! Long time no see! How you been?”
I get a hug. Right there at work, I get a hug.
“Amazin’, Luci! Fuckin’ amazin’!”
That’s Fucking Amazing Dave for you. Happy as fuck. Live and let live.
I love Fucking Amazing Dave. (I love him, I don’t fuck him.)
“There’s something different about you, Dave. Can’t quite put my finger on it… Is it your fringe? You done something different with it. And your eyebrows…”
“Aye, Luci. I burned them off.”
“That’s it. It’s a strong look, Dave. No eyebrows, no fringe. And I notice your face is kind of red and tight looking. Yeah, a very strong look.”
Fucking Amazing Dave laughs. “Aye, I look a proper dickhead, don’t I? But it were worth it, Luci. It were fuckin’ amazin’! “
“Come on then, Dave. Let’s have the tale.”
Fucking Amazing Dave rubs his trousers, licks his lips, looks side to side. I piss myself laughing. I could watch Fucking Amazing Dave all day.
“Right then Luci, Here’s how it was. We went campin’ at the weekend, me and our lass Paula and my mate Cheeky Steve and his lass Big Sal. We went up to Appletreewick, you know, middle of fuckin’ nowhere. Couple of pubs, fields and shit, big river, hills. Fuckin’ amazin’. I fuckin’ love campin’, me. It’s ace. Out in nature, among the trees, talkin’ to cows and squirrels and that, suppin’ scrumpy.”
“It’s Yorkshire, Dave. We don’t make scrumpy round here.”
“Aye, I know, but we get a load of cans of it from Lidl and bring it with us in the Transit and we get tanked, fuckin’ tanked! It’s fuckin’ amazin’!”
“Sounds like a right laugh, Dave. You do a bit of walking then? Some nice walks to be had round there.”
“Only walkin’ we do is to the boozer an’ back! I like to look at the scenery, Luci. Take it all in, you know Can’t look at the scenery if you’re climbin’ all over it, can ya? Course not. Nah, we get the chairs out, crack some tins, happy days.”
“And your face, Dave? You were telling me about your face?”
Fucking Amazing Dave slaps his shiny forehead. “Aye! I were, weren’t I! Where was I? Oh aye. So we supped off a load of scrumpy an’ me an’ Paula retire for the night, if you get my meaning!” Fucking Amazing Dave winks.
I play dumb, for fun. “Retire for the evening? I don’t get you.”
Fucking Amazing Dave rolls his eyes. “You know, man, retire!” Fucking Amazing Dave mimes holding something with both hands and thrusts his hips forwards.
I shake my head. “I don’t get it.”
Fucking Amazing Dave’s thrusts get even more animated. He mimes spanking invisible Paula’s invisible arse, turning an invisible Paula over on her back and holding her invisible ankles while he grinds his hips deep, before pulling out of invisible Paula and miming a massive invisible cumshot all over invisible Paula’s face. All the while he is waggling the red skin where his eyebrows once were in a ‘geddit? geddit?’ manner.
By now I’m going redder than Fucking Amazing Dave, holding in my laughter.
“Ok, ok, I get it. You were fucking in the tent.”
Fucking Amazing Dave points at his nose with one hand, points at me with the other. “Bingo, Luci! Give that man a Hob Nob! As I were sayin’, me and our lass get jiggy in the tent and I were fuckin’ amazin’, if i do say so myself, an’ we fall asleep in each others arms an’ in the mornin’ there’s even more sweet sweet lovin’ even though a cow nearly trod on our tent an’ the thick cunt kicked the piss bucket all over my fuckin’ trainers, but it didn’t matter, man, coz that’s the country, yeah? It’s the thick cunt cow’s home, not mine, I’m just the thick cunt cow’s guest, leave only footprints, take only memories, yeah?”
“Yeah. Deep, Dave, Very profound.”
“I thank you, Luci. I do a lot of thinkin’, me. Thinkin’ an’ fuckin’. So all that fuckin’ made us hungry as DOGS! Man, I could ‘ave eaten that thick cunt cow! So I get up an slap the tent where Cheeky Steve an’ Big Sal are still gruntin’ an’ fartin’ an’ I shout, ‘let’s get a fry up on the go!’ an’ Big Sal is out of that tent like a rat from a trap. She likes a fry up, does Big Sal. I suppose that’s why she’s such a fat fucker. Anyway, where we were camped, it were down by the river, away from everyone else. Secluded, yeah?”
Fucking Amazing Dave gives me a nod, proud of the word ‘secluded’. I pull an impressed face.
“So Cheeky Steve goes to the Transit, gets out all the cookin’ shit. Stoves, gas bottles, cooler full of pig meat, bread. You get the picture. We get this big plastic sheet to sit on and get the spread ready. Honest, Luci, it were fuckin’ amazin’. You name it, it were there. Eggs, the lot. Sausage! So I get one stove lit, get a brew on. Cheeky Steve is fannying around wi’ this ‘ere other stove. Strugglin’ to get it lit. Big Sal is pretendin’ a sausage is a knob an our lass were sat on her fat arse doin’ nowt, which is cool, you know? I’m a modern bloke, I don’t mind cookin’.
“So I say’s to Cheeky Steve, ‘that gas canister might be empty, there’s another in the van’ so of he trots to get this canister an’ I’m choppin’ mushrooms (another waggle of the invisible eyebrows to indicate how fucking sophisticated Fucking Amazing Dave is) an’ I hear Cheeky Steve clatterin’ about an he says, ‘I can’t get this canister to fit!’ an’ I look up an’ the dozy tit has the wrong one, he’s got one of the big ones, an’ I start to shout but he rams the fuckin’ canister hard onto the stove, an’ he bursts the fuckin’ thing!”
“Fuck!” I say.
“Fuck indeed!” replies Fucking Amazing Dave. “Gas blasts out, hissin’ like fuck. Cheeky Steve shits himself, an’ lobs the canister. It lands slap bang in the middle of the fuckin’ spread, spinnin’ about like a fuckin’ top, an’ the stove where I got a brew goin’ only sets the fuckin’ thing alight!”
“Double fuck!” I say.
“Double fuck indeed!” replies Fucking Amazing Dave. “ This canister is a whirling flamethrower, yeah? a fuckin’, fire, TORNADO!! Our lass, leaps up and legs it, never seen her shift so fast. Cheeky Steve does a T.J Hooker roll over the bonnet of the van, and Big Sal charges off like a bummed bull. But it were all in silence, aside from the whooshing o’ the canister. It were weird, kinda magical. All this shit goin’ down in almost total silence.  I thought it were kinda spiritual, in an odd way. Elemental. Anyway, next thing I know my head were on fire. I got it full in the fuckin’ face while were moonin’ about, thinkin’ too hard.  So I dive, graceful like, right into the river. When I come up I see the canister is gettin’ a bit weaker, the gas runnin’ out. I wade out the river, check I’m not dead. I weren’t. It were a fuckin’ miracle.”
“I’m glad you didn’t die, Dave. I would have hated that.”
“Not half as much as I’d have hated it, Luci,” says Fucking Amazing Dave with a knowing nod.
I say, “Well, that was breakfast ruined I suppose.”
Fucking Amazing Dave claps his hands, his red face lights up. “Not a fuckin’ bit of it! Honest, it were two miracles in one! The plastic bag on the bread? Melted clean off! Gone! Bread? It were fuckin’ toast! The whole lot! Bacon were crispy, just how I like it, sausages were cooked, eggs were soft fuckin’ boiled in their shells! Breakfast were done in double time without the use of a fuckin’ pan! And just as we returned, timid as fawns, to the spread, the kettle sets off whistlin’. It were fuckin’ amazin’ – the brew were ready at the same time! Would you fuckin’ warrant it!”
“You jammy bastard, Dave! But wait, what about the tents?”
“Oh, them? They burned to the fuckin’ ground. But you can’t have everythin’ can you? Besides, packin’ up to go ‘ome were a piece of piss. There were nowt left, it were all burned to a crisp!”
“What about leaving only footprints, taking only memories.”
Fucking Amazing Dave shrugs. “Nowt we could do. All the plastic were melted solid to the ground. Besides, the thick cunt cow were eatin’ it when we drove of, so that’s like recyclin’, ain’t it?”
“Not really, Dave. Cows don’t eat plastic.”
“This one did.”
“Fair enough. I stand corrected. See you later then, Dave.”
“Yeah, see ya, Luci.”
What’s not to love about Fucking Amazing Dave?

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One Response to 125. Fucking Amazing Dave

  1. Elea says:

    That bloke sounds fucking amazing 😀

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