111. Stag Do, Stag Don’t


I saw Sonny at the print press, staring blankly into middle distance while the machine churned out all kinds of crap. He didn’t seem to care. He stared off into space with a shocked expression on his tanned face, a look of horror.

When I spoke to him I thought he was going to die of fright.

“Fucking Hell, Sonny, it’s alright! It’s only me! Look, mate, the press is throwing paper all over the place – I reckon you need to sort it out. You can hardly read what’s on the page!”

Sonny shrugged, glancing round like a hunted man. “Fuck it, Luci. I don’t really care.”

“I’d like to say you’re looking well, Sonny, what with the tan and everything, but if I’m honest you look like shit! Haven’t you been away? Was it a stag do or something?”

He shuddered. “Aye. Three nights in Fuengirola with the lads. I was saving for six months for that trip, Luci, six months. I had over a grand in spendies. I was gonna piss the lot up the wall. It was gonna be ace.”

“Not really my bag, Sonny, but it sounds pretty sweet. So you didn’t go then?”

“Nah, I fucking went – that’s the problem! I wish I hadn’t!”

Sonny limped around the machine and slammed the off switch. The press ground to a halt. I could see he was hurt, kind of hunching a bit, favouring his left side.

“What happened, Sonny? Did you get jumped or something? Did you get twatted?”

He shook his head.  “Nah, nowt like that. Here, look at this.”

He pulled up his shirt. The left of his body was a mass of dark bruises and horrible scratches. It was a mess.

“Jesus, Sonny! You look like you’ve been mauled by a pitbull! What happened?”

He sighed, rubbed a hand over his shaved, brown head.

“It were on the third night. You know what it’s like. We’d been drinking round the pool all day, having a laugh, chatting up lasses. Anyway, that evening I were feeling it a bit. You know, the beer, like. So I was in this bar and I realised I were on my own. Fuck knows where the lads had gone but they were gone. I didn’t mind, like. I just thought I’d have another beer then fuck off to bed.

“I’m sitting there, minding my own business, when I sees these two lasses giving us the eye. They were red hot! A blonde and a brunette. They were kind of whispering to each other and giggling while looking at me, you know? Well I snuck my hand under the table and slipped off the old wedding ring. Didn’t want to put ’em off early. Anyway, a minute later and there they are! They sit with me, one either side, and offer to get me a drink! It’d be rude to say no, so I says yeah, I’ll have a Si Si San Miguel, and they laugh and I laugh and it were great!

“We drinks our beers then the blonde lass says, ‘you fancy coming back to our apartment?’ and I says yeah and off we go! We got in a cab and it took us fuck knows where, but soon we arrived. Up these stairs we go, holding hands on the left with the blonde lass and holding hands with the brunette on the right. Jesus, I was already getting a fucking hard-on!

“They had a nice place. A big living room with a kitchen, a couple of bedrooms, big balcony. Pretty lush. Blondie says to me, ‘you want a beer, honey?’ and she gets me a beer. So I’m sat there on this couch with my beer and my hard-on, and these two lasses are giggling and whispering. Next thing, they hold hands, go off into a bedroom, blow me a kiss and shut the door!

“I supped off my beer real quick, and headed for that bedroom door, turned the handle, but the fucker was locked! I could hear ’em giggling in there. I knocked, but no answer. It were a bit of a joke at first, but I wasn’t in the mood for any games. I knocked louder, then I heard something moving in the other room.

“It were at that point I decided to do one. I went to leave the apartment, but that door were locked too! I’m pulling at this door, shouting at the two lasses to let me out, when the door to the other bedroom flies open.”

Sonny shook his head, closed his eyes.

“you should have fucking seen it, man. She were massive. I bet she were a good six foot. Jesus, she didn’t have a neck! She were like the Honey Monster. She had this massive head of nesty hair, all tangled up, and her face was just…well, fucked, really. One big eyebrow and a ‘tash like Magnum P.I. She was wearing this ratty looking dressing gown and nowt else.  didn’t know where to look!

“Well, she saw me. Her face lit up. Turns out she was Glaswegian. She’s sayin’, ‘hey, kid! How you doing, kid! You fancy a bit, kid!’ Talkin like Billy Fucking Connelly. Honest, Luci, I absolutely shat myself. I ran round so there was the couch between me and here, but she were quick for a big ‘un. I’m saying, ‘no thanks, luv, you’re alright, luv, I’d better be off, luv,’ but she were having none of it.

“She got near me and she grabs me, and fuck she was strong! She had a big fistful of my t-shirt and I’m pulling away but she drags at it, and tears the fucker clean off! Honest, she tore it straight off my chest.

“Now her dressing gown fell open and she didn’t tie it back up, and Oh, Jesus Luci! It were awful! Her tits were swinging about down here somewhere and she were panting at me – her mott hair were half way down her thighs! She saw me staring and starts rubbing herself, saying, ‘You want some, kid? You want it, yeah? Come on then, come on then…’ and she’s rushing at me and I’m fucking screaming now, I’ve honest never been so frightened, and I can hear those two lasses laughing in the other room and I’m shouting, ‘You fucking bitches! You set me up! You were gonna sacrifice me to this fucking monster!’ so I did the only thing I could do and I took a great run up and threw myself out of the window.”

I gaped at Sonny. “You did what??”

“Threw myself out of the window. Honest, I were that scared. The doors on the balcony were wide open so I launched myself out, straight over the hand rail.

“I was two floors up. I flew threw the air, then I hit a tree. I tell you, it hurt like fuck but it probably saved my life. I smashed through all these branches, screamin’ and howlin’, then I hit the deck. I was on a pretty busy street and all these tourists are staring at me,  lying almost naked and bleeding in the fucking street after falling out of a tree. I didn’t care though, I just got up and ran.

“God knows how I found my way back. It were dawn when I crawls into bed, but I only got an hour before the lads woke us up to catch the flight home.

“The missus picked me up at the airport, and I looked a right shocker. She were angry at first, but I burst into tears and she softened up. I just kept saying, ‘I love you! Oh, I fuckin’ love you, our lass!’ She wanted to know why I was in such a state and I said I came off a moped on my way to Benalmadena. She bought it, thank fuck.”

Sonny looked a broken man. He started the print press back up slowly, his scratched hands shakily adjusting the sheets on the pallet.

I said, “I reckon you’ve learned a pretty important lesson there, Sonny.”

He nodded. “Aye, I reckon you’re right, Luci. Next time, I’ll try and fuck a lass in a ground floor apartment.”

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One Response to 111. Stag Do, Stag Don’t

  1. Pingback: Reprographics - The repro man blog - Page 41 - London Fixed-gear and Single-speed

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