Once upon a time, I almost had a threesome.
Not the wildest sexual claim, I’ll grant you.
It’s like claiming I almost won the lottery, only the numbers I had were different to the ones being shat out by Guinevere or Lancelot.
I almost had a threesome with my mate Genuflect and a girl he met in a nightclub.
He was off snogging in the corner while I was chatting to a girl by the bar.
Doing alright, too.
I was well in, if I say so myself.
Genuflect hurries over, grabs my arm.
“Come on, Lucifer! We’re leaving!”
“Yeah! This lass I’m with is well game! She says she fancies a threesome!”
“That’s very generous of her, but I haven’t got a fucking clue what her name is or what she looks like.”
“Her name is Elvira, and she’s a goth!”
“Fuck off she’s called Elvira. Her real name is probably Doris and she’ll be on the pick ‘n’ mix in Woolies during daylight hours.”
“Who fucking cares? She’ll suck us both off!”
“Good point, Genuflect. Still, I’m not sure. I’m doing all right with this lass…”
“What’s her name then?”
“Magenta? And you’re taking piss out of Elvira?”
“Fair do’s. Still…”
“Oh, come on, Lucifer! Do me a favour! Take one for the team!”
“*sigh* Alright. I’ll come and have sex with you and Necrosis.”
“Elvira. Her name’s Elvira.”
We went back to Elvira’s.
Had a drink.
Had a fumble on the couch.
She got cold feet and called it off.
I guess she wasn’t as freaky as she liked to think she was.
Genuflect was really pissed off. He stomped off to the kitchen and raided the fridge for booze.
Then he fell asleep on the couch.
I looked at Elvira over my snoring mate.
She looked at me.
I ended up fucking her on the living room floor.
Almost a threesome, but not quite…
I was thinking about doing work, but I was drinking tea and reading the paper instead.
Genuflect bustled in looking very excited.
“Morning Genuflect. You’re looking all happy and dapper today.”
“Yes I am, Lucifer!”
“Why? It’s Tuesday. Tuesday’s are shit.”
“I’m looking very happy and dapper because we’re going out tonight!”
“Good for you. Who are you going out with?”
“Yes I am!”
“Where are we supposed to be going?”
“We’re going to Gregg’s Bar!”
“What? Oh, come on, Genuflect! I’m not going to Gregg’s Bar! It’s as rough as arseholes in there!”
“It’s not so bad, Lucifer! Anyyway, that’s where the girls are going to meet us.”
“Girls? What girls?”
“My sister’s mate has got a friend who knows this lass. I’m off on a blind date with her!”
“Where do I come into this beautiful relationship?”
“She’s bringing a mate!”
“Wonderful. Any idea what they look like?”
“Tracy sounds nice. I’ve no idea what Sandra looks like.”
“And the girl I’ll be palmed off with is…?”
“Thought so. I’m not going.”
“Oh, come on, Lucifer! Do me a favour!”
“No. Anyway, I’m in my work clothes, I didn’t have a shave this morning, I’ve no money…”
I’ll buy the drinks!”
We went to Gregg’s Bar.
Genuflect got the beers in.
After a bit, the girls arrived.
I knew it was them instantly.
I almost left.
Genuflect only let go of my sleeve when the girls came over.
“Hiya!” They cackled in unison.
We got acquainted.
Genuflect got the prettiest one.
The one with the missing teeth.
Sandra was no looker, but there was no escape.
I drank fast and made sure Genuflect kept the beers coming.
“You want another pint, Lucifer?”
I whispered into his ear:
“I’m catching the last bus home at eleven. Got it?”
“Well, we’ll see how it goes, Lucifer…”
We fell out of the taxi.
Tracy’s house looked new, but the garden was a bomb site.
You could just make out a rotting sofa in the long grass.
Tracy and Genuflect stumbled into the house, shushing and giggling.
I followed them.
Reluctantly holding Sandra’s hand.
“You want a Foster’s, Lucifer?”
“Thank you, Tracy. That would be lovely.”
Tracy and Genuflect stumbled into the kitchen.
The door slammed.
I could here moaning.
I sat on the couch with Sandra.
Planning my escape.
“You gonna fuck me then, or what?”
I didn’t have any money.
Genuflect had the cash, and he was busy.
I was miles from home.
I had no other place to sleep.
“Go on then, Sandra. Get your kit off.”
Twenty minutes later.
“You want to do it again, Lucifer?”
“No thank you.”
“You got a girlfriend?”
“Well, no one serious. I go out sometimes with a girl who…”
“Excuse me, Sandra?”
“Bastard! I thought we were going out!”
“Well you thought wrong. I don’t really know you, and..”
“Bastard! If I saw you with another woman I’d fucking blind her!”
“Right, I’d better be going…”
Sandra beat me too it.
She got up, spat in my face and stormed out of the house.
I was left alone with the couch and the groans drifting from the kitchen.
I tried to sleep.
My eyes clicked open when I heard her scream:
“Jesus Christ! You’re not putting that monster in me!”
I sat bolt upright.
I strained to hear what was going on.
She started wailing, like an animal in pain.
He was quite obviously putting ‘that monster’ into her.
I squeezed my eyes shut and wrapped my coat around my ears, wishing the noise would end.
It went on and on.
It seemed to go on for ever.
After a while I heard a loud banging.
I jumped off the couch and stumbled to the door.
It was the police.
They looked a bit cross.
The one with the sergeant’s hat spoke first.
“Excuse me, sir, but we’ve had a report that somebody is being murdered on the premises. Or sounds like it, at least.”
Oh fuck oh fuck.
What do you say to a copper in a situation like this?
The policemen exchanged glances.
“Sorry for what, sir? Murdering somebody?”
“No no no! I’m sorry about the noise, even though it’s not me making the noise, it’s not even my house! Ha ha ha! No, the people making the noise are in the kitchen. I’ll tell them to quieten down a bit.”
I sounded like a right dick head.
The policemen looked at me like I was a right dick head.
Just then, the screaming started up again, worse than before.
The coppers looked shocked.
“Shall I call for backup, Sarge?”
“No, Constable Wilks, but draw your baton, we’re going in…”
“No need for that, officers! It’s not what you think!”
The sergeant’s eyes narrowed. He was a man of experience, and he’d obviously seen a few things in his time.
“In the kitchen, are they, sir?”
“Yeah, that’s right.”
“Well, why don’t we have a little nosey through the kitchen window then, Constable Wilks?”
“Good idea, Sarge.”
The policemen crept around the side of the house.
I followed on.
We got to the kitchen window.
Peeped over the window ledge…
Genuflect had Tracy perched on the kitchen counter amongst the dirty dishes.
He had his strides around his ankles.
She was naked.
“Fucking Hell,” muttered the constable.
“Shhh!” hissed the Sergeant.
We watched for a while in silence.
Genuflect was pounding away between her legs, and she was howling like a banshee.
“OWWOOOOOOO JESUSFUCKINGCHRIST!!!! AWOOOOOO!!!”
“Take your hand out of your pocket, you dirty little bastard.”
“Oh, sorry Sarge.”
Genuflect kept banging away.
A Breville toaster fell to the floor.
He hardly broke his rhythm.
“Do you want me to tazer him, Sarge?” whispered the constable.
“You’ll do nothing of the sort, Wilks. You tazer him in that position and that young lady will get 5000 volts to her snatch. Can’t have that. Imagine the paperwork.”
Just then, Genuflect moved.
We saw something.
“Is that, is that a rolling pin, Sarge?”
“Rolling pins don’t have veins, Wilks.”
I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.
It was as thick as my wrist.
A great, glistening, slithering… monster.
I looked at the policemen.
There mouths were wide open.
Experienced as they were, they’d never seen anything like that outside of a stable.
“Have you seen that thing, Sarge?”
“Aye, Wilks, but I can’t believe it. It’s like a Burmese python!”
“It’s so..so.. angry looking!”
I used to know a police horse like that, only it weren’t that impressive!”
“Shall I arrest him, Sarge?”
“Arrest him, Wilks? On what charge?”
“Assault with a deadly weapon.”
“No, we’d better leave him to finish. We’d have to call the RSPCA to get that great ugly thing back into his trousers.”
We walked around to the front of the house in silence.
The policemen gave me a look of kindly pity before they drove away.
I went back to the couch.
Tried to block out the noise.
As I lay there, my mind went back to that night when we almost had a threesome.
I realised what a lucky escape I’d had.
I mean, can you imagine trying to make an impression next to that thing?
I’d have been the hors d’ oeuvre, while he would have been the main course.
Prawn cocktail versus a mixed grill.
Listened to the screams.
That poor girl.
Eventually I drifted off to sleep.
I didn’t sleep very well.
My dreams were plagued by throbbing gristle and screams.
Genuflect woke me just before dawn and we tip toed out of the house.
“Did you order a taxi?” I asked.
“No, she didn’t have a phone.”
“Brilliant. Where are we?”
“No idea. Let’s just walk until we hit a main road.”
Cold and aching from couch-sleep.
We walked for a long time.
As the sun came up we found ourselves in familiar territory.
Near the factory.
“No point going home now, Lucifer.”
We shuffled inside, heard the tedious familiar clattering of the printing presses.
We clocked in.
Went to the canteen.
“Cheers for backing me up last night, Lucifer. Breakfast is on me.”
“Good of you.”
“What you having then? Bacon?”
“just a bit.”
“Ooh, I fancy two of those.”
“On second thoughts, I only fancy tea.”