82. One Night Stand

I woke up one Sunday morning in a room I didn’t recognize.
I didn’t have a fucking clue where I was.
Then I heard snoring.
I looked to my left, and saw the widest back I’ve ever seen, covered in spots.
Oh fuck.
I could not tell the gender.
The massive back was between me and the door.
A wall was on my other side.
I was trapped.
Hungover and trapped.
The snoring stopped and the back moved.
Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck.
Luckily it was a girl.
A girl Honey Monster.
She seemed pleased to see me.
I tried to pretend to be happy to see her.
She really was massive.
I didn’t have a clue what her name was or where I’d met her or where I was now.
She wanted morning sex.
I wanted a painless death.
I said that I needed a piss first, and squeezed past her bulk to the bathroom.
I pissed and panicked at the same time.
Who says men can’t multi-task?
My clothes were in the bedroom, my boots were in the bedroom, my wallet was in the bedroom.
I went back into the bedroom.
And yes, I had sex with her.
Horrible, horrible sex.
The sight of that massive spotty back heaving around in front of me will stay with me forever.
I finished up, got out of bed, got dressed, walked downstairs.
She thundered after me.
“Where are you going, Lucifer?”
“Er… Home. I’m going home.”
“Don’t you want some breakfast?”
Don’t fancy it.”
“Will you phone me?”
“Yeah, yeah. Course I will.”
“Do you want my number then?”
“Oh. Yeah. Write it down for me.”
She gave me the pen and paper.
She told me her number.
She didn’t tell me her name.
I wrote the first thing that came into my mind and thrust the paper into my pocket.
“Can I have your number, Lucifer?”
“Yeah, I suppose so. Get another piece of paper and you can write it down.”
“I’ll use half the paper I’ve just given you.”
“Er… I’d rather not…”
“Just tear it in half.”
I took the paper out of my pocket, tore it in half, passed a piece to her.
I gave her the wrong piece.
I gave her the piece that said ‘Fatty 0113 1234567’
She looked gutted.
I said, “Sorry mate.”
Then I ran away.

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2 Responses to 82. One Night Stand

  1. cyoa says:


  2. virgil says:

    lucifer I am suing you for damages to my keyboard after i just spat tea on it

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