“What do you want, Lucifer? Can’t you see I’m rushed off my fucking feet?”
“Hi Bear. I’m looking Spiderman. Is he here?”
“Can you see him? Does it look like he’s here?”
“Exactly. Now fuck off and let me get some work done.”
“Where is he?”
“Spiderman. Where is he?”
“He’s in the offices! There’s an electrical fault with the phone system. He’s sorting that shit out for me.”
“Hello? Don’t be so stupid I…”
Bear answers the phone, shouts at someone.
The door opens.
Spiderman staggers in, gasping.
He looks shaky.
His hair is all over the place.
His face is red.
“Fucking Hell, Spiderman! Are you alright?”
He staggers to a chair.
“what is it? Have you had an electric shock?”
“What? A bandage? Cold compress? A cup of fucking tea? What do you need??”
“For fuck’s sake, Spiderman. Not again…”
Spiderman is a colossal pervert.
A great bloke, but about as pervy as they come.
His nickname is Spiderman because he does a great Spiderman impression.
Not that you ever see it.
his Spiderman impression happens on the way home from the pub.
He sneaks into gardens and steals knickers off washing lines.
then he hides in alleys, one pair of knickers on his head, one pair wrapped around his cock, wanking.
The gusset hides his face. The leg holes look like huge eyes.
Don’t touch his sticky web.
I made him a cup of tea while he sorted himself out in the stockroom.
He flopped down into a battered chair.
There was a suspicious damp patch covering his groin.
I tried not to look at it.
“Your pants have got spunk on them, mate.”
“I know, Lucifer. Tell me about it. It went off like a garden sprinkler. I didn’t manage to get any on her shoes though.”
“Can’t blame a bloke for trying.”
“Come on then. Let’s hear it.”
“Well, Bear sent me to the offices. The phones were all fucked. It was lunchtime, so only half the staff were in there. It meant I could get under the tables and have a look.”
“Have a look at what, you dirty bastard?”
“The phone lines! Of course, while I was down there, it would have been rude not to have a little look round…”
Spiderman’s eyes rolled in his head, and an odd smile twitched his mouth.
“I didn’t find much of interest in the handbags. Just a change of knickers and some nice smelling tissues.”
Spiderman patted his pocket.
“No. I’m saving them for later.”
“What happened was, I routed a fresh phone lead through hole between the desks, and when I looked through to see where the lead had gone, I saw her.”
“I dunno. I could only see her legs.”
“Love at first sight.”
“You got it. Those pins were red hot, Lucifer. She didn’t have a clue I was under there…”
He let out a little moan and his hand started to stray towards the front of his overalls.
“Do us a favour, Spiderman. Don’t wank in front of me.”
“What? Oh, yeah. Sorry. Anyway, She crossed her legs. She had stockings on! Benders, fancy knickers, the lot. It were too much for me! I had to do something!”
“So you went to the toilets?”
“No way! With that sweet floor show going on? I wasn’t gonna miss that for nothing!”
“I fucking did! I pulled my toolbox closer to give me a bit of cover, whipped out Spiderman junior, and let him have it.”
“Good grief! What if somebody had seen you?”
“That were part of the thrill! I could see this lass eating her lunch about six feet away! She was eating a fucking banana! I was in Heaven, Lucifer. Heaven.”
You should be in prison, you gimp. That’s front page of The Sun activity, you know. People would set fire to your house if they knew about it.”
“Don’t care. I reckon everyone does it, but I’m the only one who admits it.”
“Believe me, Spiderman. That really isn’t the case.”
“Bollocks. Anyway, watching those lovely legs slithering about and that lass noshing a banana, I wasn’t going to last long. There was no way I could get it on her shoes from that angle…”
“Why do you want to spunk on he shoes, for God’s sake?”
“Dunno. Always wanted to, for some reason. Don’t you?”
“No. Not really my thing.”
“Suit yourself. So If I couldn’t reach hr shoes, I had to settle for the next best thing.”
I closed my eyes.
“You jizzed into her handbag?”
“I didn’t get it all in there. Some went on my overalls too…”
“…and on the floor, some hit the desk, a bit splashed the bin and I nearly got myself in the eye.”
“Is that all? Fucking Hell, Spiderman, you need to be hooked up to a milking machine in a sperm bank. Or castrated.”
“I know. I wish I could sell it. I’d make a fortune.”
“Believe me, you wouldn’t. People don’t want a fucking knicker sniffer polluting there gene pool.”
Spiderman looked hurt.
“That’s not very nice, Lucifer. I’m not harming anyone, you know.”
“Not until they find spunk on their chapstick, anyway. Listen, I’ve got to get back to work.”
“I’m too knackeredjust yet. My legs are all shaky. I’ll just have a rest and finish my tea…”
Bear answers the phone, talks for a bit.
“The lightbulb has blown in the women’s toilets, can you…”
His face lights up, he grabs his toolbox and sets off at a jog.
“Woohoo! I’m on it!”
He barges past me, and a flash of pale pink cotton winks at me from his grubby overall pocket.
He grabs a sign from a cupboard to hang on the toilet door.
It says, ‘Out of Order’.
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