59. Porn Cracker


Smokers get a bad reputation.
True, some of them deserve it.
There are the smokers who light up at every opportunity, dragging away at cheap, shit fags like their lives depend on it.
Then there is the smoker who really enjoys tobacco, calmly drawing on a pipe or hand rolled cigarette, tasting the smoke, gently, almost reluctantly exhaling.
Smokers fall into the same category as drinkers.
Some relish the bouquet of a fine single malt whiskey, while others desperately guzzle white cider from a bottle the size of the Hindenburg.
I like the smokers who have a genuine love of tobacco, a love of smoking.
They have a more refined, relaxed sense of the pace of life, an unhurried, gentler approach to the work ethic.
That’s right.
They toss it off.
I’d often join the smokers loafing around the entrance to the factory, each one of them as idle as the banter.
It made me laugh to see Cardboard Supervisor elbowing his way through them on his way out to lunch, supremely pissed off to see so many people blatantly doing fuck all, and being too utterly spineless to do anything about it.
Good times.
He spotted me in the crowd once.
“Lucifer! What the fuck are you doing out here? You don’t smoke!”
“No, but I’m just getting a bit of fresh air.”
“Your not allowed to leave the factory to get fresh air! You’re only allowed out to smoke!”
“Would I be allowed to stand out here if I smoked?”
“Yes! Of course you would!”
“Ok.”
“Well? Why aren’t you going back in to work?”
“I’m thinking about taking up smoking.”
He stared at me. Hard.
Then the inevitable happened.
His bottle went.
“I want you back at your workstation in ten minutes time, Lucifer!”
“Yeah, will do, Cardboard.”
He scuttled to his car, hating himself.
His lunch must always taste like ashes in his mouth.

This particular day there was only two people outside.
Abbott and me.
I liked Abbott.
He was a printer, a big, steady sort of bloke.
He was a rarity for a factory in that he like to read, knew good films, had travelled a bit.
Most blokes where I work only read The Sun, watched action films and went to Tenerife.
As he smoked a roll up we talked a bit about this and that, but really we just enjoyed the sun on our faces, and the illicit pleasure of simply slacking.
It has a flavour all of it’s own.
Talk came around to his recent holiday.
“It’s a great part of the world, the Far East. Ever been there, Lucifer?”
“Can’t say I have, Abbott. I’ve not been many places, though I’d like to travel at some point.”
“Don’t put it off, my friend. Just do it. It’s a big world out there, far larger than the walls of this shit hole.”
He kicked the factory door, for extra effect.
“Yes, I could happily live somewhere like Thailand, Vietnam, Cambodia. You don’t need much money out there. A simple life, with good food, a warm climate and friendly faces. Friendliest people in the world, the Thais.”
“So I’ve heard. I love Thai food.”
Abbott blew long tendrils of smoke from his nose and squinted into the sun, chuckling to himself.
“Oh, the food! Nothing like the food you get in England, Lucifer. In Thailand the food is fresh, and fiery, and fragrant! The smell alone makes your head spin! Seasoning and spices like you’ve never experienced! You really must go, as soon as you can!”
“I’ll save my pennies, Abbott. You’ve sold it to me. I know my wife has always fancied going to Thailand.”
“If she’s anything like my wife she’ll fall in love with the place! She really loved that holiday – can’t wait to go back! The people, the places, the culture…”
I nodded, imagining the weak English light on my face was the hot sunshine of Thailand.
“… the ladyboys…”
My little daydream crashed.
“Sorry, Abbott. What did you just say?”
“Beautiful people, the Thais, Lucifer. Beautiful people…”
“Yes, they do seem a very attractive race…”
“…especially the ladyboys.”
Oh shit. Here we go.
“Right, love to chat, Abbott, but I’d better be getting back..”
“They have a beauty all of their own, an exotic quality that is very alluring, even to women!”
I couldn’t get away. He was off on one. His gaze was focused somewhere in Bangkok, God knows where.
“My wife was quite taken by this ladyboy we saw in a show. Nothing seedy, mind. Very tasteful. High class.”
“Ok…”
“She hinted to me that she might like to… go with her. She asked if I would mind.”
“Controversial. What did you say?”
“to be honest, I found the idea to be very appealing! As long as I could watch, of course.”
“Oh, of course.”
“After the show I approached this young kathoey…”
“Kathoey?”
“Yes, kathoey. It’s what they are referred to in Thailand. You see, in Thailand they are not regarded as men or women, but as phet thi sam, or third sex. A different thing entirely.”
“Oh. That makes it alright then.”
“Yes. Well, I approached her, and she seemed very keen on the idea. We all went out for a lovely meal at a restaurant she recommended. It was a magical evening!”
“I’m sure it was.”
“Afterwards she came back to our hotel room for drinks. We had to pay her of course, but it didn’t feel cheap in any way…”
“You mean she was expensive?”
“No! Not like that! I mean it all seemed very tasteful.”
“Sorry. That’s the term I was thinking of. Tasteful.”
Anyway, soon she undressed, and started to kiss my wife. They laid on the bed, and soon they were both completely naked!”
For fuck’s sake…
“It was a highly erotic scene, Lucifer! I’ve never seen anything like it! She was hung like a pony!”
Taxi!
“My wife was crying out in ecstasy, and that lithe young woman was fucking her like an animal.”
I’ve never felt so uncomfortable in my life. I prayed that he’d hurry up and get it over with…
“Well, I couldn’t help myself…”
“What? No…”
“I undressed…”
“My boss is going to be looking for me, Abbott. I’ve really got to be getting back…”
“…and pushed it right up her tight little arse.”
“Jesus…”
“It was the best sex I’ve ever had!”
“With a man. The best sex you’ve ever had, with a man.”
“No! Don’t you understand? She is kathoey, of the phet thi sam…”
“More like fireman Sam, Abbott. You can dress it up how you like, mate. The summary is, you went on holiday, you paid a Thai bloke with tits to fuck your missus, then you bummed him.”
“You’ve got it all wrong! I’m not gay! It’s not like that, Lucifer!”
“Whatever, Abbott. I’m not knocking you, what goes on tour stays on tour and all that, but don’t dress it up as something it isn’t. That’s the ladyboy’s job. If she’s got a massive cock, she’s a he. That’s a fact.”
Abbott threw his roll up on the ground and stamped on it.
“I thought better of you, Lucifer! I expected that kind of talk from the lads in there, but not from you!”
He stormed off.
I stood in the sun for a while longer.
Maybe he was right.
Maybe it was some kind of beautiful experience, and it was me that was missing out.
Or maybe Abbott was just a raging pervert.
I don’t know.
All I know is, bumming a tranny prostitute who is screwing the missus isn’t high on my sexual to-do list.
I took another lungful of clean air, and went back to work.

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