56. Feeling Remote…


New technology becomes old technology really fast.
Something new arrives, usually pretty expensive, and we covet it.
Then the price comes down, we buy it by the billion, and suddenly we take it for granted.
It’s like that new thing has always been there.
Remote control.
Take a look at the one you use for your T.V.
Covered in shit, dust, chocolate, smudges.
But if you lose it?
You’re close to tears with frustration and fear.
You won’t even change the channel on the set, because the chances are you have no idea how to.
I know I don’t.
But then again, I remember a time before remote controls.
I don’t take that little black buttony box for granted.
I appreciate it.

Jock had got remote control locking for his car.
This was a big deal back then.
Lots of people didn’t have a clue you could even get that kind of thing for your motor.
Jock was chuffed to fuck.
He was showing it to Kray.
“All I do is press this little box on my keys…”
*Blip Blip*
“And the fucker is safe as houses.”
“Jesus Christ! That’s brilliant, Jock! Bet that cost you a bit!”
“Naw. My lad got a job with a place that fits these things. Every car’ll have one of these soon. He fitted mine for next to nowt.”
“Magic! Reckon your lad would fit one for me?”
“Aye, but it’ll cost, like.”
“How come? It didn’t cost for you!”
“Aye, but you didn’t wipe his arse and put shoes on his feet for sixteen years.”
“Fair point.”
A wagon rumbled into the car park.
Jock and Kray saw who was driving.
It was Haystacks.
“I hope your car’s well insured, Jock,” muttered Kray.
“Me too.”
They both stepped well back.
Haystacks parked the wagon safely.
For once.
Haystacks was a fucking dreadful driver.
He must have been thirty stone.
He had bow legs and pincer toes.
He had a terrible stutter.
A real catch.
He drove the company wagons all over the country, delivering direct mail.
He’d rolled more wagons than all the other drivers put together.
Cardboard once took a call from him.
“Hello? C..can I s..speak to C..cardb..board S..”
“It’s me, Haystacks. You phoned my direct line. Where are you?”
“I’m at the s..services j..just off j..junction t..twenty n..n..nine.”
“Why are you there? You should be in Norwich by now!”
“I h..had a little p..p..problem.”
“Shit… Where’s the wagon?”
“J..junction t..twenty eight.”
“Twenty eight? Why aren’t you in it, driving to Norwich, Haystacks?”
“Because the f..fucking thing is u..u..upside down.”
“Good grief. Not again…”
“It’s n..not all b..bad. The c..coffee here is l..lovely!”
*click*
“C..cardboard? C..cardboard?”
That’s why Jock and Kray were nervous.
After Haystacks had parked the wagon, he waddled over.
Jock nudged Kray.
Kray took Jock’s keys.
They were going to have a little bit of fucking about.
“Now then Haystacks!”
“A..Aye up, J..Jock! H..how’s things? What a..are you t..two doing out h..here?”
I’m showing Kray my new voice activated car alarm, that’s what!”
“V..voice activated! B..bloody hell! How’s that w..work?”
“When I got it fitted, they made me speak into this machine. That sets the alarm to react only to my voice.”
“F..fucking Hell! Give us a d..demo then!”
Jock winks at Kray.
“Ok then. ‘OFF!’
Kray pressed the button.
*Blip*
“B..bloody hell! W..wait a minute. Show us your h..hands!”
Jock took his hands out of his pockets.
“R..right… now lock it u..up.”
“ON!”
*Blip blip*
Haystacks whistled and shook his head. He was impressed.
“Why don’t you give it a try, Haystacks? See if it’ll react to your voice.”
“Aye, I’ll try that! Here we go; O..OFF!”
*Blip*
“Ha! It w..worked! I o..opened it, J..Jock! That th..thing is a pile of sh..shite!”
Jock shook his head, and looked all crestfallen.
“Bollocks. I’ll have to get it reprogrammed! Fucking thing. Will you try it again for us, Haystacks?”
“M..my p..pleasure! O..ON!”
Silence.
“It w..worked a s..second ago! Let me t.try again. O..ON!”
“O..O..ON!!”
O..ON!”
Kray stepped in.
“Maybe you’re saying it different to last time. Try speaking a bit lower.”
“A..alright Kray. O..ON!”
O..O..O..ON!!
“Try a Scottish accent, Haystacks, like Jocks.”
“Och O..ON!!!”
Jock seemed to have bit of a coughing fit.
“Try it a bit higher, Haystacks. You’re nearly there…”
O..on! O..on! On! O..o..nnn!
Jock had recovered, and snapped his fingers.
“Here, Haystacks! The bloke at the show room told me that emotion can effect the tone of voice. Maybe if you tried it with an angry voice it’ll work.”
O..ON! O..ON! O..ON!
“Get closer.”
Wh..where’s the sensor for this th..thing, J..Jock?”
“Just in the grill, Haystacks. Get really close… that’s it! Now try! Really give it some pasty!”
O..ON O..ON O..ON!!!
“Try swearing at the fucker, man!.”
O..ON yercunt! O..ON yerb..bastard!
Kray scratched his head.
“Can’t understand it! Try the sensor by the exhaust pipe, Haystacks…”
Jock was in tears, He had to walk off.
Haystacks was red and sweating, but was determined. He was going to switch that fucker on.
He crouched at the back of the car, and started shouting at it.
O..ON yer f..fucker! O..ON yer t..twat, O..On o..on O..ON yer c..cunting fuck!!
“What are you doing, Haystacks?”
It was Cardboard Supervisor.
Kray and Jock had disappeared.
He was alone in the car park, swearing at an exhaust pipe.
“It’s Jock’s c..car…”
“I know that. I wanted to know what the fuck you were doing.”
“I w..was trying to t..turn it o..on.”
Cardboard Supervisor looked skyward.
He didn’t need this shit.
“No wonder you don’t have kids, Haystacks. Now stop chatting up the cars and get back to fucking work.”
Cardboard Supervisor walked away.
Haystacks lingered, blinking stupidly.
He waited.
Then…
…he whispered…
on.”
*Blip blip*
He nearly shat himself.
Jock and Kray nearly pissed themselves.
“B..b..bastards…”

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4 Responses to 56. Feeling Remote…

  1. edmundro says:

    Epic.

  2. Roog says:

    I cried, wonderful picture

  3. Westlake says:

    Absolutley brilliant, would make a good tv sketch

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