Smithy and Webb were deep in conversation.
The machine they were running was running itself.
They were drinking tea.
I stuck my nose in.
Webb was talking.
“I’m sick to death of her, Smithy, but I don’t know how to dump her!”
“Just dump her. Say to her, ‘You’re dumped, now fuck off.”
“I can’t do that! We’ve lived together for two years!”
“Course you can. It’s easy. All you do is open your mouth, say ‘You’re dumped, now…”
“I know, I know, but it doesn’t work like that. Not in the real world.”
“Why not? It’s how I got rid of my first wife.”
“That’s what I mean. It doesn’t work like that in the real world. You’re not in the real world, Smithy.”
“You might be right there, Webb. Ok then, I’ve got another answer.”
“Go on then. Let’s have it.”
“Bum her? How’s bumming her going to help?”
“Don’t ask her first. Roll her over when you’re next giving her one, shag her from behind for a bit, then without warning, bang it up her trumper. No lube, nothing. Bang it up there, knock fuck out of her, and don’t stop till you’re done. She’ll think you’re a right nutter. She’ll be gone by morning.”
“You reckon? Thing is, I’m not into bumming. I don’t like the idea. It seems a bit gay to me.”
“Gay? How’s bumming a lass gay?”
“Because you call gays bummers, and by bumming our lass I’ll be a bummer, and me being a bummer makes me feel like I might be gay. It’s one short hop from women’s bums to mens bums, you know. You can’t be too careful.”
“Don’t be so fucking stupid. You’ve snogged plenty of women, right?”
“Well because you’ve snogged women’s mouths you’ve not gone on to snog men’s mouths, have you?”
“Exactly! So bumming a bird’s bum isn’t going to make you want to bum a bloke’s bum, is it?”
“You know, I reckon you’re right!”
“Course I’m right!”
“I’ll bum her then! I’ll bum her tonight! I won’t like it though.”
“I don’t like the idea of putting my cock in her arse. It stinks at the best of times…”
I saw Webb a couple of days later.
He was watching the paper coming out of the machine.
He didn’t look happy.
“Morning Webb. How’s it going?”
“Oh, hullo Lucifer. It’s not going so good really.”
“You still with your girlfriend?”
“Yeah, worst luck.”
“How come? I thought you’d worked out how to get shut of her, something about… you know…”
“Yes. Bumming her. Did you then? Bum her, I mean?”
“Yes. I bummed her.”
“She loved it.”
“I didn’t. I still think it’s a bit gay.”
“I did everything Smithy suggested. I was shaggin’ her as normal, like normal blokes do, and I flips her over, with that great big wobbling white arse of hers stuck in the air, and I shagged her that way, and I thought ‘it’s now or never’, and I just went for it, rammed it up her bum in one go, no messing.”
“I’m glad to hear that romance isn’t dead.”
“I grabbed her by the love handles and rattled her like a fruit machine that wouldn’t pay out. Really banged it home.”
“And what happened?”
“She bloody loved it. She don’t want it any other way now. Only up the wrong ‘un.”
“That didn’t turn out as planned then.”
“No. It didn’t. I couldn’t understand it! When she said that she liked it, I asked her what she liked about it. Know what she said?”
“No. Do tell.”
“She said she liked the pain. Liked the pain! I’m living with a fucking perv! It made me feel all dirty. I wanted to put my cock in Dettol.”
“What you gonna do now, Webb?”
“I dunno. Bum her, I suppose. If I knew it were the pain she liked in the first place, I could have saved us both an awful lot of hassle and just punched her in the gob…”
“That’s one option I suppose. See you later Webb.”
“Yeah, laters, Lucifer…”