“Anyone seen my wallet?”
“Let us know if you find my keys. Can’t seem to find them…”
“I put a tenner in that drawer and it’s not there now!”
“There’s a fucking thief about…”
It’s never good when stuff starts disappearing in a factory.
Old grudges get dragged up.
Accusations fly about.
There’s plenty of thieves work there, so you can take your pick.
I’ve seen thieves accusing other thieves of thievery.
What’s that all about?
“There’s some right cunts about, Lucifer. Imagine taking cash out of a blokes locker like that? Bang out of order.”
“Yeah. Shocking. What you got in the bin liner, Bentine?”
“Pringle sweaters, Two ski jackets, shirts by Thomas Pink and various Ted Baker. Nowt in your size. Want me to put an order in for you?”
“No. I’m good, thanks. Keep an eye on that stuff, Bentine. You don’t want anyone nicking it.”
“Too right, Lucifer! There’s some proper cunts about…”
Stuff kept going missing.
Something had to be done.
It was up to Cardboard Supervisor to sort this shit out.
Time for action!
Call the police?
Install surveillance equipment?
“You wanted to see us, Cardboard?”
“Ah, Hugs! Flint! Come in. Sit down. You’re both a bit quiet at the moment. Not much work to do.”
“You laying us off, Cardboard?”
“No! No! Not at all! Ha ha ha. On the contrary, I’ve got a job for you. It’s right up your street.”
Cardboard Supervisor was frightened of Hugs and Flint. He was frightened of lots of things, but he knew it wasn’t wise to get people like them pissed off.
They liked to do things. Unpleasant things.
“Sweet, Cardboard. We likes to be busy. What’s the job?”
“I hear you boys like hunting.”
“We love it, Cardboard.”
“You after a bit of game?”
“No, no lads. Nothing like that. I’ve got something different for you to hunt…”
The offices were quiet on a Friday lunchtime.
Everyone was at the pub.
The thief knew that.
He just walked in off the street, through the factory, down the corridor, into the offices.
He quickly started opening drawers, going through desks.
He heard a giggle.
He looked around.
Back to work.
Under some files in a drawer he found a twenty pound note.
The thief smiled to himself.
He was in luck.
He heard more giggling and the sudden thunder of heavy boots.
He was out of luck.
They hit him like a juggernaut, and kept running.
The thief struggled, but he didn’t have a chance.
They had a cupboard ready.
He hit the ground hard.
A fluorescent light flickered on.
He was pinned to the ground and had his pockets emptied.
“What we gonna do with him, Flint?”
“Shall we get Cardboard?”
“Call the rozzers?”
“Those fuckers won’t do nowt with him. He’ll just get a slap on the wrist. I reckon we should teach him a lesson.”
“Right! What we gonna do?”
Flint started undoing his jeans.
“I’m gonna fuck him.”
“What!” The thief started thrashing around, but Hugs was way too strong.
“Hold that bitch steady, Hugs! I’m gonna fuck his brains out!”
Flint started ripping the thief’s trousers down.
“NOOOO! Pleasepleasepleaseplease no no no no NO! I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m really really sorry!”
“You fucking will be…”
“No no no NO OWWWWW!!!!”
Two hours later the police led the thief away, in handcuffs and in tears.
Cardboard Supervisor was white as a sheet.
He was shaking.
Hugs and Flint couldn’t stop sniggering.
“You two. My office. Now!”
He didn’t say anything else until he had the door shut.
Then he let them have it.
“What the fuck is going on, you maniacs!”
“Yeah, what’s up, Cardboard?”
“What’s up? WHAT’S UP? That boy told me that you’d raped him, that’s what’s up! Are you mental? Why did you do that?”
“Aww, come on, Cardboard! You know that the coppers don’t do nothing to light fingered fuckers like him! He needed teaching a lesson!”
“Yes, of course he did. He needed teaching a lesson, but NOT A LESSON IN FORCED SODOMY!”
Cardboard Supervisor went purple.
“What is so fucking funny??”
“We didn’t really bum him, Cardboard,” laughed Flint.
“No, we only pretended to,” added Hugs.
“Pretended to? It seemed to me like that lad was fairly certain that he had just been buggered in a store cupboard!”
“We never did!”
“No, look. I used my thumb.”
Flint held up his thumb. There was a dark ring of blood and shit caked around it’s base.
Hugs was almost crying with laughter.
Flint’s shoulders shook as he tried to control himself.
Cardboard Supervisor looked away.
“Get out,” he mumbled. “Just fuck off out of my office.”
Flint and Hugs barged out of his office door.
“Wait one fucking minute, you two!”
They turned back.
“There’s thirty five quid and mobile phone missing from the offices. That kid didn’t have it on him. Where is it?”
“Dunno, Cardboard. He didn’t have it on him when we got hold of him.”
“Yeah, we searched him.”
Hugs checked his pockets.”
“Flint did a cavity search.”
More stifled laughter.
“I should have known better… Oh, just fuck off, the pair of you.”
He watched them walk towards the canteen, their pockets bulging with loose change.
He looked away when Flint casually wiped his thumb clean on his jeans.
Blog North Awards
The stories I hear.
- Blog North Awards 2014
- bradford city
- Chelsea Supporters Group
- Clive O'Connell
- Driver on the Wing
- Fucking Amazing Dave
- general lucifer
- Intense Ginger Bloke
- New York
- pantone blues
- May 2018
- April 2018
- March 2018
- November 2017
- October 2017
- September 2017
- July 2017
- April 2017
- March 2017
- February 2017
- December 2016
- November 2016
- October 2016
- September 2016
- August 2016
- July 2016
- June 2016
- May 2016
- April 2016
- March 2016
- February 2016
- December 2015
- November 2015
- October 2015
- September 2015
- August 2015
- July 2015
- June 2015
- May 2015
- April 2015
- March 2015
- February 2015
- January 2015
- December 2014
- November 2014
- October 2014
- September 2014
- August 2014
- July 2014
- June 2014
- May 2014
- April 2014
- March 2014
- February 2014
- January 2014
- September 2013
- August 2013
- July 2013
- May 2013
- March 2012
- December 2011
- November 2011
- October 2011
- September 2011
- July 2011
- June 2011
- April 2011
- January 2011
- November 2010
- September 2010
- August 2010
- July 2010
- June 2010
- May 2010
- April 2010
- March 2010
- February 2010
- January 2010
- December 2009
- November 2009
- October 2009