49. Animal Crackers


6.15am.
I felt so tired I could have puked.
Soulless Boss has left me a stack of work.
Nice of him.
There was a hand written note.
“Need all this for 8.00am! No wandering off, Lucifer!!!”
I yawned.
Fuck it.
I went for a wander.
I saw Jock.
He was staring at a door, sipping his tea.
“Morning Jock. What you staring at?”
“Morning Lucifer. Don’t know if you’re familiar with it, but that big green flat thing is a door. What you do, is grab it by that shiny thing and…”
I let him go on, and nodded occasionally to show I was taking it in.
There’s always an odd thing in a factory, where the manual workers like to make out anyone with shiny hands is as thick as fuck.
Jock could shift many tons of paper around in a day, lifting and turning it so the reverse could be printed.
the heaviest thing I moved around was a mouse.
No calluses on these hands.
Nice and shiny.
Jock had hands like gorilla paws, hooked and leathery.
“… and when it’s locked, it keeps you safe inside, and stops the cunts from getting in. Got it?”
“I think so. So what’s on the other side of this door?”
“Hugs and Flint are in there. They’re up to something. They were giggling. They’ve got a bag.”
“A bag? Oh shit…”
With Hugs and Flint, a bag meant trouble.
These two loved wildlife.
Loved killing it, that is.
Nothing was sacred.
They’d get up at three, go out with guns and dogs and shovels, and find stuff to kill.
If they’d got a bag, it meant they’d got lucky.
It meant that the cast of Bambi had been unlucky.
The door opened.
Hugs and Flint emerged, cooing and whispering to a rabbit that was nestled in Flints arms.
the rabbit looked content, it’s nose twitching as it looked around, tame and inquisitive.
“Here we go,” muttered Jock.
We followed Hugs and Flint as they headed onto the factory floor.
A gaggle of women were nattering over cups of tea.
They were all in their fifties, nans and grans who put brochures in envelopes by the thousand, by the million.
Pensions are shit.
They didn’t have many other options.
Hugs and Flint approached them.
“Here, ladies, you wouldn’t have a drop of spare milk would you? We found this bunny, and it’s lost it’s mam.”
The old dears went spare, cooing and stroking the rabbit, who seemed to love the attention.
somebody produced a saucer filled with milk.
They offered it to Peter rabbit.
Peter took a little sniff, then looked up.
“Go on, precious. take a little sip,” whispered a granny.
Peter rabbit lowered his head to the saucer, his little mouth opened…
And a big, gore smeared finger slithered from between it’s lips and dabbed itself into the milk.
The nans and grans screamed and screamed and screamed.
The finger disappeared, and Peter rabbit looked up, all perky.
Suddenly his eye popped out, and the finger waggled out of the socket.
Nans and grans scattered in all directions, screaming and sobbing.
Hugs and Flint ran away, cackling hysterically.
Jock looked up at me.
“Bit much that, don’t you think, Lucifer.”
“I should say so, Jock.”
We walked back the way we had come, and found Hugs and Flint crying laughing in the back room. Peter rabbit lay on the floor, its stomach hanging open. Flints arm was streaked with blood up to the elbow, where he’d had it shoved inside the rabbit’s body.
Jock shook his head as he looked at them both.
“Bit much that, lads.”
“Fuck off Jock, you big soft fanny,” laughed Hugs. He squat down on the ground and pulled a huge hare out of the black bag.
“Look at this beauty! We only caught it about an hour ago. It’s a beauty, don’t you reckon, Lucifer?”
“It’s very nice, Hugs. Not really my type, but you know…”
“What’s up with you? Never see that Cadbury’s Caramel advert? That bunny were as fit as fuck!”
Hugs shoved the hare into my face, and put on a Cornish accent.
“Don’ts you warnt to fucks me, ole Lucifer boy? Oil suck yours cock, but you’ll have to watch moi teeth!”
“No thanks, Hugs. I’m already in a long term relationship. It wouldn’t be right.”
Hugs was stroking the hare, looking all put out.
“you don’t know what you’re missing, Lucifer. She’s still lovely and warm…”
He dropped the hare on the ground, produced a hunting knife from his coat and started gutting it on the floor.
“Yeah, lovely and warm… Fucking hell, Flint! I’m getting a hard on, here!”
He slipped two fingers into the cavity.
Blood ran down his hand.
“Aww yeah! She likes it, Flint!”
Flint’s shoulders were shaking, and tears of laughter rolled down his cheeks.
“Give over, man! I’m gonna piss myself!”
Hugs started undoing his trousers.
“No, really Flint! She’s gagging for it!”
“No, give over!”
Hugs didn’t give over.
He dropped his trouser, gave his cock a couple of shakes to get it off the slack, and thumbed it into the dead hare.
“Oh, yeah, baby! That’s right! That’s right!”
He had hold of the hare by it’s back legs and started fucking it, hard and fast.
Blood splattered off his thighs and ran down his legs.
Flint was helpless with laughter. He could hardly breath.
“Come on, Jessica! Give to me! You know you want it! You love it up ya!”
The hare’s big ears were flopping all over the place as Hugs rammed it home.
Suddenly, the door opened.
In walked Forsythe.
He’s a nice chap, an animal lover and a strict vegetarian.
He had a bowl of porridge he wanted to microwave.
He took in the scene around him.
Dead animals on the floor, blood everywhere, and three men watching another man fuck a dead hare.
The sound of the porridge bowl smashing on the floor was deafening in the silence.
He fled.
We all looked at each other.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I mumbled, a bit too late.
“Fucking pussy,” laughed Flint.
As Hugs cleaned himself up Flint picked up the rabbit, skinned it and chopped it into rough chunks. He put them in a bowl and shoved them in the microwave.
“You’re not going to eat that are you?”
“Course I am, Lucifer! We eat what we kill, me and Hugs. We’re not animals, tha knows!”
“No. Of course not. Silly me. I’ll see you lads later…”
I left them to it, the smell of microwaved rabbit making me wretch.
I sat back down at my desk.
The work was still there, untouched.
It was 7.45am.
I decided to make a start.
Didn’t want Soulless Boss to think I’d been fucking about.
Can’t work without a cup of tea, though.
I wandered off…

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