39. Meet the parents…


I’m late for work.
Fuck it.
Nothing ever gets said.
It’s Monday, 6.11am.
Managers and supervisors are still snoring and farting.
I make cup of tea.
In the studio, OhSeeDee is sitting with his head in his hands.
Must have been a good one.
“Morning OhSeeDee.”
“Morning Lucifer.”
“Rough night?”
“Not really.”
“What’s up? You look like shit.”
“Thanks for that. It was my first meeting with the future in-laws this weekend.”
“Right! I forgot about that! You were staying over, weren’t you? How did it go?”
“Badly.”
“Oh.”
“They’re really nice people, Lucifer. They made me very welcome. It just went a bit…wrong.”
“Come on then. What happened.”
OhSeeDee sighs.
“They’ve got a lovely big place by the coast. Really nice. Must have cost a packet. They’re minted, Lucifer. The real deal. Me and Pepper got their mid afternoon. Her folks had tea and cake ready.”
“Ooh! I like cake. What type was it?”
“They had two types. Fruit cake and a nice sponge.”
“Top drawer!”
“Yeah. Anyhow, we got on really, really well. Pepper’s mum asked her to help with dinner, and her old man offered me a game of snooker. He’s got his own snooker room! It had a bar in it. Not a tacky one – really nice. He got us a couple of beers, it was dead cool!”
Sounds ace! What beer was it?”
“Bottles of Speckled Hen.”
“Very nice! Nothing shit.”
“No, not Carling or anything.”
“Wouldn’t thank you for it.”
“Me neither. As I was saying, I did alright at snooker. He beat me, I beat him, pretty evenly matched. I didn’t make a dick of myself, which is the main thing. We went through to dinner.”
“What did you have?”
“What?”
“Dinner. What was it?”
“Oh! Deep fried mozzarella with rocket salad, followed by beef wellington.”
“Cracking! It’s all sounding great! What was pudding?”
“Pavlova.”
“Good choice. You want something light after that lot.”
“yeah, I suppose. Anyway, there was plenty of wine on the table, they kept filling my glass. I got a bit fresh, but not pissed. We were all a bit fresh. It was a good night! We sat round the table chatting for ages, but I was getting pretty knackered. I’d been at work that morning.”
“Were you? I didn’t get asked in…”
“Well I was. At about midnight, me and Pepper went to bed. Her folks stayed up for a bit. I went straight to sleep, but I must have a had a weird dream or something. I started sleepwalking.”
“No!”
“Yes. You know how I’m paranoid about burglars, well I hear voices downstairs. Apparently her parents were coming up to bed, so lights were going off, and they were talking quietly and moving towards the stairs…”
“No, way…”
“…Pepper had woken up and found me gone. She goes out onto the landing, and sees me at the top of the stairs wearing nothing but my pants. Her parents start coming up the stairs, and they suddenly see me.”
“Oh God. What did you do?”
Apparently I shouted, ‘Come on then you fucking cunts! Let’s have it then! I’ll fucking kill you!”
“Jesus Mary and Joseph…”
“They were a bit surprised to say the least. They tried to laugh it off, but this seemed to get me a bit cross. I started hopping around, screaming, “Let’s have it you cunts! Do you know who I am? I’m a mother fucking gangster!”
“A gangster? You’re not a gangster. Why would you say you were a gangster? Are you really a gangster?”
“No I’m not a fucking gangster. I’ve no idea why I would say that.”
“I’m glad to hear that. What happened then?”
“After a bit of an awkward standoff, Pepper managed to coax me back to bed. She told me all about it next morning. I was fucking mortified. There was a strained atmosphere over breakfast, I can tell you.”
“Really? What was it?”
“Because of the fucking sleepwalking! I’d called them cunts! I’d called myself a motherfucking gangster! Weren’t you listening?”
“I meant what was it for breakfast.”
“Oh, fuck off Lucifer…”

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One Response to 39. Meet the parents…

  1. BKSport says:

    Cracking punchline!

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