35. Tellingbone.


I can’t get my head around porn on mobile phones.
It just seems wrong to me.
Not that mobile phones are in any way sacred.
Quite the opposite.
They’re intrusive and annoying, doubly so now that every one of them has a camera.
Not only do they barge into a conversation with their irritating chirruping, demanding attention like a canary with ADHD, but they can also take high definition images of your resulting outrage at being so rudely interrupted.
The thing with porn on phones is it flies in the face of the old adage ‘There’s a time and a place for everything.’
Do we really need a handy database of fisting and felching with us at all times?
I’ve got a mobile phone, but there’s no porn on it.

RamJet was devouring a sandwich and scrolling through his phone.
“Hi Ramjet. how’s it going?”
“I’m doing good, Lucifer. Here, want to see something?”
“Well, that depends on.. Whoah! What the Hell’s that?? Why would anyone do that to themselves?! Jesus, RamJet…”
“What about this then?”
“Look, it’s not really my.. Bloody Hell! Bloody, Hell! That’s just wrong. Really, really wrong. Is that illegal? It must be.”
“Dunno. Look at this then.”
“No. I’ve got my eyes shut.”
“Puff.”
“No, RamJet. Not puff. It’s not just puffs that don’t like to watch Chinese girls shitting in each others mouths. Why have you got that on your phone?”
“Dunno. Just filth, innit?”
“Yes, it is. But why do you need it with you at all times? You’re eating a beef sandwich..”
“Ham.”
“You’re eating a ham sandwich and looking at.. give me that phone… looking at a lady fisting another lady’s arse. You can’t tell me ham sandwiches and arse fisting are a perfect combination.”
“Why not?”
“Fucking Hell, RamJet! Can’t you see a problem with that?”
“Now that you mention it…”
“Yes. When you stop and think about it, it’s fucking weird. If you want to look at stuff like that, why not do it at home? Why are you looking at it now?”
“Cause I love it. I fucking love porn, Lucifer. Don’t you?”
“Everybody likes a bit of porn, if they’re honest about it, RamJet. But there’s a time and a place! Lunchtime is not the time, and work really isn’t the place. Doesn’t it get you all frustrated looking at porn all the time?”
“Yeah, it does. I spend half the day with a right hard on.”
“Well why do it to yourself? Give your cock a break, for Christ’s sake!”
“I can’t help myself, Lucifer. I reckon I’m one of those porn addicts. I watch it all the time. It’s on my phone, on my computer, it’s never off my telly.”
“You need help, RamJet. Seriously.”
“I don’t want help, though. I love it. It relaxes me. That’s why I like to look at it while I’m eating.”
“Why not try and take a break from it, at least?”
“No point. I’ve only got an appetite when porn’s on. I wouldn’t eat if porn weren’t on.”
“You wouldn’t eat? Porn makes you hungry. Now that is really weird.”
“You reckon? It wasn’t so bad at first. You only used to be able to get hold of magazines, years back. Then porn tapes got easy to find, then DVD’s, and then the internet started. It all got a bit mad, after that.”
RamJet’s expression became all dreamy, and a little smile came onto his face.
“Nowadays, I really can’t enjoy my dinner unless I’m watching two birds pissing on each other. It’s ace, is porn.”
“Remind me never to go to a restaurant with you, RamJet. I’ll see you later.”
He didn’t answer. He was munching away on his sandwich, and his eyes were glued to his phone.
What I want to know is, where will it end?

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