29. Chariots of Liar


“What about us getting them Olympic games then, Lucifer? You reckon you’ll go down and watch?”
“Maybe, Scorcher. Wouldn’t mind watching the cycling.”
“I watched the cycling when I was at the Olympics at Seoul, in ’88.”
“You were at the ’88 Olympics? Competing, were you?”
“Don’t be fucking daft, Lucifer! I’m no bloody athlete.”
“I suppose you’re not…”
“No. I were there helping my mate. He’s the only bloke to ever compete in the Olympics and the Paralympics in the same year.”
“Wait a minute! Olympics AND Paralympics? How the fuck did he do that? If he’s fit enough to do the sport in the Olympics, how can he qualify for the Paralympics?”
“Simple. Two different sports.”
“Right. What two different sports?”
“Olympic triple jump and Paralympic wheelchair basketball.”
“Jesus H Christ…”
“You see, my mate suffered from schizophrenia – he were born with it.”
“Born with it?? How the fuck can you tell if a baby has schizophrenia?”
“Dunno. Anyway, my mate, Leapy, he had it. When he was Leapy he was fine, but when he was Wheelz, he were paralyzed from the waist down. It were so bad, he had two different passports, one for each personality.”
“Never.”
“Yeah. One for when he were Leapy, and the other one for when he was Wheelz.”
“You can’t have two passports, Scorcher, you just can’t!”
“Yeah you can. when he were Leapy, he were convinced that he was Canadian. He had dual nationality. It were official and everything.”
“Where was Wheelz from then?”
“England, of course.”
“Yes. Silly me.”
“Only when he was Wheelz he thought he was black. That might be what made him good at basketball.”
“That would certainly explain it, Scorcher.”
“He did alright at the triple jump, but didn’t manage the finals. The Eastern Europeans had that all sewn up. He were a bit gutted about that.”
“I’ll bet he was.”
Well, the Olympics finished, but we had to kind of hang about for a couple of weeks until the Paralympics started. Didn’t seem much point in going home. But we had a problem.”
“What on Earth could that have been?”
“Old Leapy was staying as Leapy. There was no sign of Wheelz. He couldn’t compete unless he was Wheelz.”
“How could anyone tell the difference? Why didn’t he just pretend?”
“That’d be cheating! Anyhow, people would have noticed his Canadian accent. He’d have been rumbled in a second.”
“Of course. Why didn’t I think of that.”
“The Paralympics got underway, and still no Wheelz. He had to skip the opening ceremony and everything. It got to the night before the match, and he were frantic. Then I had an idea.”
“Which was?”
“I took him out on the piss. I got him absolutely arseholed on this stuff called soju. Leapy’s a good athlete, so he really couldn’t handle his booze. I were alright. I were drinking pints of the stuff. Well, dawn breaks, and i’m watching Leapy as he slumps on his bed. His eyes close, but suddenly pop open again. He sits bolt upright, and says, ‘Where am I?’ in an English accent! It were only Wheelz”, weren’t it!”
“And he was sober?”
“Course he was! It was Leapy who’d been drinking, and he were sleepin’ it off! I got Wheelz dressed and in his chair as quick as I could, and made it to the Jamsil stadium just in time.
He played brilliant, but his team could only manage fourth, just off the medals.”
“Incredible. So where’s you’re mate now?”
“Dunno. He developed another personality not long after and fucked off to Brazil for a sex change. Haven’t see him since.”
“I’ll bet Wheelz and Leapy got a surprise if they came round first after the op.”
“Yeah. They wouldn’t have been happy.”
“l’d watch the Brazilian womens disabled basketball team very carefully in 2012 if I were you, Scorcher.”
“Bloody ‘ell! Never thought of that! Thanks for the tip, Lucifer!”
“Don’t mention it.”

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One Response to 29. Chariots of Liar

  1. Pingback: Reprographics... - Page 7 - London Fixed-gear and Single-speed

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