For fuck’s sake…
“Why are you saying ‘Bacon’ and ‘Boxes’, Saskwatch?”
He just shrugged. “Funny, Innit.”
It wasn’t funny.
You’ve got to be mentally subnormal to think two words repeated loudly over several years, yes years, is funny.
I ignored him.
Or tried to ignore him.
He wasn’t going away.
He just leant against the desk, his glum horse face gawping at what was on my monitor, size fifteen feet crossed a couple of meters away. He’s a big bloke, is Saskwatch.
“haven’t you got work to do, Saskwatch?”
“Yeah, Lucifer, but I can’t be bothered.”
“What a shame.”
“Thing is, I’m feeling a bit low.”
“You don’t look low. You’re six foot seven.”
“Not that kind of low. I’m a bit down. You know, depressed.”
“Believe me Saskwatch, I know.”
You only had to be in Saskwatchs company for five minutes before you wanted stick your head in a gas oven.
“You see, I was out with a girl last night. I took her for a meal.”
I wasn’t going to get any work done.
“Alright. Where did you go?”
“Went to that new Italian place up the road. It was really nice. I was getting on really well with her, having a laugh, a couple of glasses of wine and that. You know, classy.”
“You ooze class, Saskwatch. If it was going so well, why are you feeling down?”
“Well, I needed to go to the toilet, so I stood up, said ‘Bacon,’ right into her face, and went to the lavvy. When I came back, she’d gone.”
“Saskwatch, why the fuck did you say ‘Bacon’ to her?”
“Don’t know. Funny, innit?”
“Well she didn’t think so, obviously. Have you phoned her? Found out what happened?”
“Can’t call her till tonight, Lucifer. She’s on duty all day.”
“Duty? What is she, a nurse?”
“Nah. She’s a copper.”
“Saskwatch, you’re telling me you said ‘Bacon’ right into a policewoman’s face?”
“Yeah. No sense of humour, some people. Anyway, I’d best be off. See you later.”
Not if I see you frst…