If you’ve ever worked in a factory, you’ll know what I mean.
The women aren’t much cop.
There are some exceptions.
But not many.
Snow White was an exception.
Blokes would try their luck with the usual gang of dogs on the shop floor.
They didn’t approach Snow White.
It wasn’t just that she had a nice face.
Or great tits.
She seemed… clean.
Too good for ink stained paws.
She deserved a pedestal.
The lads didn’t have one.
They left her alone, sneering that she was a snooty bitch.
They still wanted to fuck her.
Bacon sarnies, pots of rosie, newspapers, lies about how great the weekend had been.
He’s a suit.
We’ve been at work three hours.
The suits have been here fifteen minutes.
When they yawn, we shake our heads.
They’ve got no idea.
Charger’s a suit, but he’s ok.
He rushes over, a look on his face like he’s just found out what his dick’s for.
“Lucifer! You can you process film in here, can’t you?”
“What the fuck do you mean, ‘depends’? Can you or can’t you?”
“Ok. Depends on what?”
“Depends on what you need processing.”
“For fuck’s sake! I need FILM processing!”
“What sort of film?”
“FILM film!! How many types are there?”
“It’s just camera film! From a normal camera. Kodak, I think. Can you do it?”
He was dying now.
I’d had my fun.
“Ok, ok, Charger. Keep your fucking wig on. What’s on the film that’s so special? Why not just take it to Boots?”
This was going to be juicy.
“I…I can’t say.”
“Then I can’t do it.”
I turned back to my paper.
“Why can’t you do it, Lucifer?”
“Because you won’t tell me what’s on it. That’s why.”
Charger squirmed some more.
But his eyes were shining.
He was going to tell.
Of course he was.
As it happens, I can’t process camera film.
I wasn’t going to tell Charger that.
Not till he’d spilled his guts.
“Ok, I’ll tell. But you’ve got to keep this secret. Swear to God!”
“I swear to God. Now tell me what’s on the fucking film?”
“Me and BadBoy were out on Saturday night. We were on a bit of an office do. Everybody was there!”
None of the factory lads were.
As ‘Everybody’ was there, that makes us ‘nobody’.
“Anyway, Snow White was talking to us, and towards the end of the night she said she was going, and she knew I lived near her. She asked if I wanted to share a taxi! I told her BadBoy was staying at mine, and asked if he could share too. No problem, she said.”
My pot of tea was getting cold.
“We got to hers, and she asked if we wanted to come in. Said she had champagne! We didn’t need asking twice. We went in, and we fired into this big bottle of champers. She nips off to the loo, and guess what?
She only comes back in all this sexy underwear! Couldn’t believe it!”
Neither could I.
“What did she want, Charger? Did she ask you to take a few cheesecake shots of her?”
He looked triumphant.
“Better than that, you sarky twat! Me and BadBoy only went and fucked her! She’s red hot, Lucifer! She’s loves it up her!”
I was still sceptical.
“Maybe, maybe not, Charger. I’m not convinced. You’ve still not explained what’s on the film.”
“It was BadBoy’s idea. He whipped the camera out of his jacket pocket, and started pretending to be a camera man on a porno shoot! She went mental at first, but he showed her that there was no film in the camera. Well, she loved it. Posing all over the place. Getting really filthy. Then, at some point, BadBoy only loaded a roll of film, didn’t he! What a star!”
He pulled a roll of film from his pocket.
“Can you do it or not?”
“’fraid not, Charger. We can’t process bullshit.”
Charger was none too happy.
Neither was I. My brew had gone cold.
Here’s Charger again.
He’s looking smug to the power of ten.
I seem to spend too much of my day in the toilets.
I go in one cubicle.
He goes in the other.
He passes a sheet of photo paper over the top of the door.
He’s got the film processed somewhere.
I can’t believe what I’m seeing.
Snow White is very, very dirty.
“Shit, Charger! A champagne bottle?”
“I know. Amazing, huh?”
“Yeah. If I had a cock like that, Charger, I’d get it out more often.”
“Fuck off, Lucifer!”
“What’s BadBoy doing… Oh! Bloody Hell! Mucky Cow.”
I was in a bar, with some mates.
“Hi Lucifer. Can I get you a drink?”
It was Snow White.
We went to the bar.
“What are you drinking?”
I was drinking shitty lager.
“I’ll have a double Jack Daniels.”
We waited for the drinks.
“You know Lucifer, some people say a lot of things about me at work.”
“I wouldn’t know about that.”
“Some people say that you do know.”
“Some people are full of shit.”
“Well a lot of things get said, but let me tell you, some people are lying. Anything you might have heard, it’s all lies.”
“Like I said, Snow White. Some people are full of shit.”