There’s a guy at work who keeps wanking off in the toilets while I’m trying to take a crap.
It’s really getting on my nerves. He can’t even be discreet about it, for fuck’s sake…
You can hear him panting, and there’s that unmistakeable ‘cock being wanked’ noise.
The wanking’s bad, but I sort of wonder what gets him so randy at work that he feels he really has to crack one off right that second, even with a bloke tutting loudly in disgust about three feet away from him – but then I wonder if the bloke tutting loudly about three feet away is the reason he is so randy…
Have I become bog wank material?
Why don’t you say something, I hear you ask?
That’s where it gets farcical…
The first time it happens, i leave the toilet with a shocked and disgusted expression on my face.
Co-worker, Jock, asks what’s up.
‘There’s some dirty bastard knocking one out in there!’
I told him that I’d seen his shoes under the door, for future reference, to ID the cunt.
I wander off, and Jock gets on with his job, keeping half an eye on the toilet.
And clocks the bloke who walks out.
2 days later, over the tannoy:
‘Will General Lucifer please go to meeting room 1’
I arrive to find a manager with a very upset staff member, ModelWorker.
ModelWorker never throws a sicky, works through lunch etc.
‘Ah, Mr Lucifer! I’ll get straight to the point. People have been accusing Mr ModelWorker of committing an obscene act on himself in the toilets, and they say the person who witnessed it is YOU!”
I check ModelWorker’s shoes in a sneaky way.
ModelWorker throws a screaming hissy fit, tears and everything.
I say it’s not him, he’s the wrong guy.
‘How do you know?’ asks manager.
‘I looked under the toilet door, and saw bog wanker’s shoes. ModelWorker has different shoes.’
‘What were you doing looking under toilet doors, Mr Lucifer?’
ModelWorker had nipped in for a piss when Jock had his back turned, and he only saw ModelWorker leaving.
Bog wanker made good his escape afterwards.
I had to endure sniggers for being masturbatory obsessive bog peeper for a few weeks.
I now realise that if I accuse the real bog wanker, or even approach him on the subject, he can just say I’m lying, and declare me a pervert.
You see, now I’ve got ‘previous’ – I’ve already wrongly accused one person of bog wanking. If I go accusing somebody else it will look like I’ve got some disorder that makes me look under bog doors hoping to catch somebody wanking.
All I can do now is tut loudly in the hope he shoots his load quickly, and leaves me in peace to have a shit.